Ramblings on a Friday

For what it's worth, I'm certainly not the best of human beings. Neither am I the best of friends. Or sisters. Or daughters. Or colleagues.
(The list goes on, you get the drift..)

But I tried to the best I can - in all these things.

Then I realised...
The truth is, I have to be the best of me.

Sounds snobbish? Maybe, but honestly, I don't think I'll be a good anything if I'm unhappy. Or if I'm feeling bitter and everything else negative in my heart.

I've learnt to sometimes retreat into my shell. Running away, you say? Call it what you want..

There are things in life that I'm not entirely thrilled about, but the people around me seem to enjoy. I cannot put on a happy face and join in the adventure, because to me those things are just not fun to me.

So I opted out. So I decided just to be on the sideline. Just watching from a distance.
Or I may even disappear - only to occassionally return to catch up on old stories..

Yes, sometimes it hurts to know that some friends or family are having the time of their lives, and I'm not there with them. But this is my choice. I have my own heart and feelings to consider.

I would rather not be there at all, than being there in person with a heart filled with pain and dismay.

I'd rather not join in now, but perhaps one day soon I'll pop in for some catching up.
I'd rather us remain friends, even distant ones.. than not being friends at all.

And if you're observant enough, one careful look at me and you'll soon guess what I'm feeling inside.
Perhaps that's why I'm shying away - at least for now..